Adrianne Russell
After the Jump
by Adrianne Russell
I’m Kelly Landers, seventeen and counting. My family moves around a lot. Six times in six years a lot. But for reasons too mortifying to mention, this time I’m happy to say buh-bye to my old life.
Daddy’s ruthless ambition gene has him moneyed enough to put me in private school. That same birth defect makes him insist I hang with his new boss’ kids. Sounds peachy but there’s a few problems: They hate each other’s guts, Bryce reminds me of the guys I left behind in all the worst ways and Cara’s boyfriend is sending serious signals that I can’t ignore.
So let’s recap: Uniforms, forced friends and way too many temptations. Great.
And topping off that screwed-up sundae? Once again, Mama thinks eating is optional. Once again, Daddy’s burying his head in blueprints. Once again, I’m Queen of Damage Control.
I’m trying to be different.
I’m trying to slow down.
I’m trying to start over.
I’m trying to make up for my mistakes.
Too bad life’s saying, “Screw that.”
AFTER THE JUMP (70,000 words) is a contemporary YA novel that explores what happens when the past you’re trying to forget crashes into the future you’re desperate to create.
Arielle: You have a clear, interesting, developed voice that shows me you know how to write. In fact, what interested me most about this pitch was the voice. Now I think you need to work on the story part of the pitch. This feels more like the first few paragraphs of the book itself, rather than showing off the arc of the book itself.
David: I very much like the voice of this pitch. We always tell people, your pitch has to completely reflect the style and language of your book. And you really convinced me that you can write from the perspective of a teenager. Normally I don’t recommend the whole pitch in the first person. But you totally pull it off. And I like this idea of the kid who has to be the adult. The way those last five sentences are all spread out over their own lines. But this triangle that you develop early on between our heroine and the new boss’ kids doesn’t really go anywhere. It’s a very cool start, but it’s not developed sufficiently. Again, I don’t get the sense of beginning, middle and end.
Olivia O'Bryon Mackey
March 5, 2012 @ 8:24 pm
This was my favorite! (And, I read them all!) I felt like I was inside of a teenaged brain… Reminded me a little bit of the book-stealing, Lolita-esque character in Californication.
Not that my advice means anything, but the only part that threw me off was the sentence explaining the few problems. I found it a little hard to follow, (the introduction of names/use of they, unfinished allusions to temptation).
Good luck– hope to see your book on the shelves someday!
Jeanna
March 6, 2012 @ 12:23 pm
I loved this pitch. It made me laugh and was very much the kind of book I’d be interested in. The “I’m trying…” sentences and the last bit about the past crashing into the future–I think those were fantastic.
Jeanna
March 6, 2012 @ 12:26 pm
This is a question for the Book Doctors, really, and perhaps the question belongs elsewhere, but I thought it might help this lovely author, so I’m giving it a try.
The thing I’m wondering in reading all these pitches is how to do a pitch that gives an idea of the middle and end of the story without giving it all away. I think, as a reader, I’d rather have a pitch that doesn’t tell me where the story’s going. But publishers/agents want to know more. Does this seem true? Where’s the line between enough and too much?
admin
March 6, 2012 @ 6:39 pm
Great question. Ideally, you want to leave your potential readers saying, “I need to read this book to find out what happens!” So you definitely do NOT want to give away that the butler did it because if you do, no one will take the time to buy the book. This is true for agents/editors as well. However, if you just give the premise it’s not enough either. We recommend giving a sense of 2/3rds of the book and then leave us with either questions or an allusion to what will happen next.
Jeanna
March 7, 2012 @ 12:48 pm
Thanks, that’s an excellent explanation and quite helpful!
Adrianne Russell
March 21, 2012 @ 4:32 pm
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful critiques and for reading my pitch. This is extremely helpful in my process of becoming a fearless writer. 🙂
admin
March 28, 2012 @ 10:19 am
Adrianne, were you at our workshop in KC last week? I loved your pitch!