Danielle Lewis
Salt by Danielle Lewis
Ariella’s blue eyes reflected back the blue of the ocean as if from the same brush stroke. She hadn’t even bothered to bring shoes or a towel. Visitors needed accessories to survive a day at sea while she, a seaside dweller, only needed the sea to survive. Her pink lips curved up in a smirk as one of the mothers nearby dropped a bag of chips into the sand and it was instantly seized by seagulls as pillage. All she knew was she needed nothing besides those white, constant crests and a surfboard to be happy. Ary pushed back her hair which was crisp to the touch from the dried salt and sand of yesterday. She bent down to grab her pink and blue surfboard and sighed. A tiny, half dollar sized crab was perched on the top of her foot. She shook her head to herself as she gently took the sweetly sleeping crab off of her foot before she hoisted up her board with one arm and no effort. The crab scuttled away as if apologetic.
There was no explaining the way sea creatures loved her. There was no explaining a lot about Ariella— her mother’s disappearance, her best friend’s inability to return her affection, his brother’s disappearance, her eccentric father, and a town with whom Ariella has a personal relationship with every surfer bum, sea turtle and tourist shop owner. And that’s not even listing her newfound ability to drown and survive.
The Book Doctors: This is an intriguing pitch. It leaves us curious, which is, ultimately, the goal of any great pitch. But while we are curious, we are not entirely sold. We don’t really know enough. You spend the first two-thirds of the pitch describing our heroine, and some of that is great, because we do really emotionally bond with her. But she’s also kind of mean, which concerned us. Why does she feel so superior to the visitor who loses her chips? We also don’t feel you can spend so much time elaborately detailing her approach to the ocean with her surfboard. Then the next small paragraph goes by so fast, we don’t really understand how any of this manifests into the plot of a book. It becomes a laundry list. Not a story. We want to know that you are capable of showing us a new and fascinating way that a human has a relationship to sea creatures who love her. We want to see how she interacts with surfer bombs and sea turtles alike. But most of all, we want to understand exactly how it is that she drowns and survives. Of course, we don’t want you to give away everything. But you don’t give away enough at the moment. We don’t understand what this character desperately wants that she doesn’t have. We don’t see a series of events which lead to a fiery climax. And once again, we have no comparable titles. Beautifully rendered portrait of a world and a woman, intriguing possibilities of heretofore unseen relationships with sea creatures, living, dying and drowning. Pitch is too thin, needs meat on its bones, unclear how any of this potentially amazing stuff is actually going to manifest.
Vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “Fan Favorite,” and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).
Caleb Ajinomoh
Outback Wrangler by Caleb Ajinomoh
How does the gruesome murder of a dojo master in Wyoming trigger off damning consequences for an international criminal organization headquartered in Paris, a revenge-obsessed Interpol agent, an Asian-American media mogul and throws up an unlikely romance between a bisexual journalist and a moody femme fatale?
Renee Binagli is exceptional at her job: getting paid handsomely to terminate lives. But no one prepared her for meeting the unlikeliest of client/victims: her shadow employer, her supposedly dead father, the one man she would kill a thousand times for free. But she has to deal with feelings for Brian Calum-Wright, a cross-border blackmail connoisseur/journalist with a similar taste for men and women who loses his mind and goes on a tragic reconnecting mission, trying to find his ex-boyfriend slaughtered by, Ji, CEO of a global media brand who’s after an oil company but he needs evidence in possession of a wanted man to sink her present owners. His life is made more difficult by Harold, who wants nothing of the spoils of Interpol politicking back in Paris, but he’ll gleefully use his credentials to hunt down the man who set his brother’s family on fire years ago. Ji holds the answers to many of his questions.
They’re thrown on the same bus. Who’s driving? Where are they headed?
Donahue has changed names and appearance so many times he knows his invincibility cloak is fitted. They’re coming for him. But they have a bigger problem: getting out of each other’s way.
The Book Doctors: Wonderful idea, with lots to love: a hired killer with daddy issues, international intrigue, CEO of a global media brand, revenge, Paris, a bisexual journalist, a beautiful moody dangerous female. And a great voice: “his invincibility cloak is fitted.” Unfortunately, the pitch is mired in cliché. Gruesome murder, damning consequences, international criminal organization. Moody femme fatale. Those are all words we’ve heard and things we’ve seen hundreds of times. We would skip that whole first paragraph except for the dojo master in Wyoming. We would open the pitch with a scene showing the Wyoming dojo master being murdered. Give us evidence that you can create a scene which is steeped in the tradition of gruesome murders, but is unique and fresh and thoroughly awesome. We like the initial setup of the female hired killer having to whack her own supposedly dead father–that’s tight and interesting. We find ourselves wanting to see that come to life a little more. But then you take us right into this gigantically huge, long sentence, with too many characters, way too much information and we get completely lost. It’s not your job in a pitch to tell the whole story. It’s your job to make the reader desperately want to read your book. As in several of these pitches, we don’t understand here who is the hero, we haven’t emotionally engaged with someone we’re rooting for. We don’t understand who is the villain, who we love to hate. And we don’t understand enough of the action or how the plot escalates into a fiery climax that is going to be unexpected yet satisfying. We also don’t get any comparable titles. Can’t stress those darn things enough, especially when you’re writing genre fiction. In fact we don’t get your title either. Fascinating premise, too many characters, not enough plot, intriguing but confusing.
Vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “Fan Favorite,” and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).
Allison Epstein
The Devil and the Rose by Allison Epstein
We open in 1585. England. Cambridge, to put a finer point on things. Queen Elizabeth is at the height of her reign. Threats from Catholic conspirators—foreign and domestic—lurk unspoken behind every word. And an irreverent, ambitious graduate student named Christopher “Kit” Marlowe finds himself summoned from his dormitory and ushered into a locked office.
Within, he finds a calculating, hard-eyed stranger—Sir Francis Walsingham, Queen Elizabeth’s spymaster. And Walsingham has come with a proposition.
The Devil and the Rose, complete at about 90,000 words, dives deep into the world of Elizabethan espionage, following Kit as he embarks on a mission to sniff out plots of regicide and rebellion while undercover in the service of Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots.
As Kit soon discovers, he has a knack for lying, developed over years of writing poetry—and of keeping his newly understood homosexuality a secret. But as he descends deeper into a tangled web of coded letters, false identities, and threatening war, he quickly discovers that espionage is much more than he bargained for.
Resenting and fearing the helplessness of a life directed by the crown, Kit forcibly carves out safe spaces for himself. He clings to his relationship with fellow scholar Tom Watson, and to his rising star in the world of London theater. But around him is a world steadily falling to chaos, where queens clash for supremacy, every smile hides a knife at the ready—and the threat posed by enemies is nothing compared to that posed by friends.
The Book Doctors: We’re suckers for Elizabethan espionage, preferably featuring Mary, Queen of Scots. And if we can get Christopher Marlowe thrown in, all the better. There’s so much fun stuff in this pitch. Like the fact that his knack for lying has been developed over years of writing poetry. We laughed when we read that. And his closeted gayness gives lots of opportunity for drama, pathos and humor. The writing has a wonderful panache and style, which makes us feel comfortable believing that you can actually pull this off. We like being taken into the world of Marlowe as he becomes a rising star of London theater, while behind the scenes, a Game of Thrones courtly spying death match is happening. But we find ourselves wanting more word pictures that show us you are going to be able to create that world in a way we haven’t seen before. We want to know more about the relationship between our hero and the scholar, Tom Watson, or cut it. And there needs to be more specifics about the villain in the piece, who seems to be rather absent. And we need to know more about the specifics of the plot, the fun, scary, deadly, crazy images, characters and plot twists which are going to keep us on the edge of our doublets and pantaloons. We would cut the words “We open in”. Because in a pitch every word is sacred, every word is blessed, every word is absolutely vitally crucially important. You probably don’t need the words: “to put a finer point on things.” Get us to the characters, get us to the action. Don’t tell us about Queen Elizabeth, because we’ve been told about her many many many times before. Show her to us in a new light. We don’t know what kind of threats are coming from the Catholics, we want you to show that to us. And we don’t want you to tell us that our hero is irreverent and ambitious, we want to fall in love with him when you show us what a brilliant cheeky monkey he is. We hate to sound like a broken record, but the fact there are no comparable titles has the effect of breaking our record. Do people even use that phrase anymore? There are no more records. It freezes our screen. How about that? This is a really fun story about a great era that holds lots of interest to lots of people, with a fascinating iconic superstar playwright who died tragically young at the center of it. Needs more visual touches, more specifics about the court intrigue and the deadly plot.
Vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “Fan Favorite,” and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).
Frances Avnet
The Tale of Deirdre by Frances Avnet
The Tale of Deirdre is an entertaining swashbuckling tale about Deirdre, a free spirited noble woman who joins her pirate husband, Murtagh, in an attempt to hold onto their way of life. Full of exciting battle scenes on land and sea, my novel gives a glimpse inside an Ireland most people didn’t knew existed—the Emerald’s Isle piratical past.
The couple battle the English government, other pirates and Murtagh’s brother, Owen, to preserve their livelihood, their land, and yes, themselves.
This is not a sugary romance novel, laced with x rated sex scenes, but a fast paced historical novel that will appear to both men and women, especially those looking for a good beach read.
The Book Doctors: Everybody loves a great pirate story. And in a very crowded marketplace, you seem to have swashbuckled your way into a nice little hole in the pirate story landscape, the Irish Emerald Aisle section. That being said, the pitch needs lots of work. I think it’s always dangerous to tell somebody that you’re entertaining and exciting. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to say that your book is thrilling, romantic, sexy, or funny. You have to prove that in the pitch. Your pitch is your audition to show what a great writer you are. Display for me that you can write an entertaining, exciting scene. It’s like those people who wear shirts that say: SEXY. Let me be the judge of that if you don’t mind! And sadly I see no evidence in this pitch that your scenes are going to be different, unique, and yet still in the wonderful tradition of the great pirate battle scenes on land and sea that I know and love. You need some word pictures to show me that you can paint a historical scene about Ireland’s “Aaaargh matey!” past. Give me a villain that I can hate, that makes me want to hiss and boo. Don’t tell me that it’s fast-paced, show me some action that moves by so fast I feel like I’m on the edge of my seat. And I know so little about our hero. How is he different than all the pirates I’ve known and loved? And what exactly does his wife, the noblewoman, do that’s free-spirited? What does she look like? What does she desperately want in life on the inside that she can’t have? What am I rooting for her to succeed at, besides just staying alive and not being killed by the evil English government? And of course the same must be said of her husband. I also don’t get any comparable title so I know exactly what kind of readers are going to love this book. Promising idea but needs specificity.
Vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “Fan Favorite,” and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).
May K. Cobb
Big Woods by May K. Cobb
When ten-year-old Lucy Spencer goes missing from her sleepy Texas town, her parents, the police, and the township all brace for the worst, assuming her body will soon be found. They imagine her case will follow the deadly fate of the other recent, unsolved kidnappings in the area. But Lucy’s sister, Leah, begins having dreams about Lucy and insists that she is still alive; that her dreams are messages from her sister, clues about what might have happened.
As the deluge of grief threatens to pull apart the once-close knit Spencer family, fourteen-year old Leah sets out on her own investigation, risking everything in her secure world to find her sister. Carl, Lucy’s father, slips further away from himself and his family as he tries to reconcile the fact th’s at his little girl slipped out of his hands one morning, while Roz, Lucy’s mother, must come to terms with the reality that some things lay beyond her control. But it’s Sylvia, a reclusive widow across town who witnessed something years ago, who might hold the key to finding Lucy, if only she can find the courage to come forward.
Set against the backdrop of 1980s small-town Texas and the feverish rise in paranoia surrounding satanic cults, “Big Woods” is a literary thriller about the enormity of grief, the magical bond between sisters, and a small town’s dark secrets.
“Big Woods” was selected as the winner in the 2015 Writer’s League of Texas Manuscript Contest.
The Book Doctors:
Love the way you throw us right into the Texas hurricane of your story: girls gone missing, the background information adding to the deadly suspense with other children lost, a parent and community’s worst nightmare. We always say, what are the stakes? Well, they don’t get much higher than that!
We always want to make it difficult for our heroes to succeed. You put this family under such stress and duress. The dad is freaking out, the mom can’t control anything, and they’re spiraling out of control. It’s horrible in life, but it’s great for a novel. There’s a kookie neighbor who may be the key to it all. Then we have a telepathic dream-mystery, which leads to the sister becoming the detective and trying to find the murderer. It reminds us of Winter’s Bone, a wonderful book that was made into a movie which launched a young woman named Jennifer Lawrence into the stratosphere of movie stardom. You don’t have comparable titles. There is one right there.
And then there’s the setting. Everybody loves a Texas story, from Larry McMurtry to Friday Night Lights.
And the story really leaves us hanging in a great way. It makes me want to know what happens next, which is the ultimate goal of any pitch. I also love that you leave us with the fact of your not just winning a writing contest, but winning a writing contest in Texas, where your book is set. I would like to see more images from Texas. And there is a typographic/spelling mistake. Believe it or not, some agents will click the delete button on any query or pitch that has a mistake in it. Agents and editors are so overwhelmed and inundated they’re just looking for an excuse to say “no” to you. Don’t give them that excuse.
Excellent pitch, great voice, great story, intriguing characters, wonderful location. Just give me a couple of comparable titles and we’re ready to rock ‘n roll. Or, in this case, Texas Two-Step.
Vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “Fan Favorite,” and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).
William Alan Webb
Standing The Final Watch by William Alan Webb
Nick Angriff awakens after sixty years to find the United States government destroyed, with a bizarre religious sect dominating the wreckage and enslaving the survivors. He is the commander of Operation Overtime, an elite military unit which had been stored in suspended animation against the possibility of national collapse, and resurrecting America becomes Angriff’s sacred duty.
Before he can save others, however, he must first stay alive. Angriff quickly discovers remnants of the extremist factions of the dead U.S.A. within his brigade, still fighting old battles, and he’s a target for both sides.
His choice is stark: dig out the threats within Operation Overtime first while watching innocents die, or risk assassination in order to fulfill his mission and end the slavery and slaughter.
I am a Creative Writing graduate of the University of Memphis, with a secondary concentration in History. Standing The Final Watch is a stand-alone SF thriller in the tradition of John Ringo’s Ghost series and David Drake’s Hammer’s Slammers.
The book was designed as a platform for diversity in a genre that typically lacks it. In Nick Angriff’s 7th Cavalry, merit is the only qualification that matters. To that end, amid the fast pacing, realistic dialogue and plot twists, the reader is given information through the POV of Angriff that is, in many cases, false. If their biases lead them into the wrong conclusions, the hope is that the ending will help them see their own limitations behind the decisions they made.
The Book Doctors: We really enjoyed the Rip van Winkle decades-long nap that opens your pitch. And your main character Nick seems like a very cool tough guy. We love that he is put in a classic Sophie’s Choice situation. Either he tries to save a bunch of innocent civilians from dying and risk assassination, or he has to deal with the assassins in his immediate environment and watch innocent civilians die. Fantastic. We really enjoyed your comparable titles. Well done. It gives us a clear idea of what kind of book this is, and who the audience is. But what you have here is just the setup for a book. What does he do about the assassins? What does he do about the innocent civilians dying? And what does this America of the future actually look like? We would also like very much to see inside Nick, to understand more about what kind of person he is, what are the demons inside of him that he’s fighting. In your little summation at the end, you say this is a platform for diversity. But we see no evidence of that in your pitch. We don’t see any realistic dialogue, we have no evidence of excellent pacing, or plot twists. We don’t understand how the information that our hero gets is often unreliable. All of these claims you make in that last paragraph are great, we want all those things in this book, but they are not substantiated by proof in your pitch. We believe they’re probably there in your book, but we need to actually see you do this in the pitch so we know you can pull it off in the novel. It’s a very difficult thing to do, we understand that, but let’s face it, if it was easy, we’d be out of a job. Well conceived story idea about a man in the future caught between a rock and a hard place. Not enough concrete details that show us this future America, and how the basic concept here plays out.
Vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “Fan Favorite,” and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).
Kelly Brakenhoff
Death by Dissertation by Kelly Brakenhoff
When Student Affairs Vice President Cassandra Sato moves from Hawaii to tiny Carson, Nebraska, to work at Morton College, she predicts adjusting to Midwestern food and frigid winters will be the most difficult obstacles to her success. Turns out after a couple of months, even a dream job at a sedate private college can become a labyrinth of politics and treachery.
When 20-year-old work-study assistant Austin Price falls to his death outside the science lab, Cassandra is selected to manage the college’s investigation and media response. Police unwind a complicated trail of connections between housing food service, a local farmer’s beef, and the science lab’s cancer research. Meanwhile, she must deal with bungling office helpers, old school male faculty and exasperating student disciplinary appointments. Once Austin’s Deaf roommate and a PhD student become investigation targets, Cassandra enlists her sign language interpreter co-worker, Meg’s, assistance to protect the accused students’ rights. Together they resist overbearing Dr. Schneider, the PhD student’s adviser and Morton College Board Chairman, who busily covers his ties to the victim’s death. An ensemble cast of engaging characters in the vein of Janet Evanovich befriend Cassandra, including sexy housing director Marcus Fischer. Can she move beyond her workaholic comfort zone, overcome racial and sexual stereotypes, and make Nebraska her home?
Drawing upon my experiences living in Hawaii and Nebraska and 25+ years as an ASL interpreter, I weave in Hawaiian and Deaf cultures and my insider observations working as the fly on the wall.
The Book Doctors: Great title. We have read a few dissertations, and we almost died doing it. We like the setup of moving from the Paradise of Hawaii to the tidiness and Nebraskaness of Morton College. It might be cool to throw in a couple of word pictures, palm trees to frozen tundra. That kind of thing. We also very much enjoyed how once the murder happens, we are off and running. And it’s great that there’s this strange connection between food services, local farmers, and cancer research. It sounds mysterious and deadly. Which is just what you want in this kind of book. We’d like a little more detail. Show us your writing chops when you’re describing the bungling office helpers, the old-fart professors, and the ridiculous student disciplinary appointments. It might be also nice to throw a little political correctness into the mix. We want to know a little bit more about our villain, Dr. Schneider. Give us some more reasons to hate him. And if you’re going to call out a character like the sexy housing director, give us some more details about who he is, how he operates, what he looks like, how our heroine sees him and what their relationship is. We also need to see some more of action: How does the murder investigation manifest? What are some of the dangerous and ridiculous circumstances that our heroine finds herself in that she has to wriggle out of? Where are the racial and sexual stereotypes? These seem a bit out of left field given what we’ve just read. While we’re on the subject, we’d like to see more about what’s inside Cassandra. What makes her tick? What does she desperately want that she doesn’t have? No comparable titles, but we have a great one for you: Dear Committee Members. It might be more of a comedy than what you are working on here, but it’s definitely about the absurd, maddening, ludicrous, stupid, and sometimes dangerous behind-the-scenes antics at college. So perhaps you could combine that book with a murder mystery for your comparables. Very appealing Hawaiian fish-out-of-water-in-Nebraska story about a college administrator thrown into the ridiculous college politics to follow a murder. We need to see more of the interior life of our main character, and see more plot points of how the story plays out.
Vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “Fan Favorite,” and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).
Nikki Dylan
Pop Shot by Nikki Dylan
Working with your twin sister isn’t ideal, especially when she’s a demanding starlet who challenges you at every step of the production process, but that isn’t really what bothers Johanna. Astrid is one of the most sought after actresses in the porn industry and Johanna is a gifted director. The two own a studio, where Johanna runs the show and Astrid just shows up. They work together, live together, and share everything… None of this bothers the driven and practical Johanna. What does bother her is that she’s in love with one of the actors and she doesn’t feel like sharing him with her sister. Astrid loves working with Vaughn and their chemistry is off the charts on camera. Especially when Johanna is the one holding the camera. Vaughn and Johanna keep their relationship a secret until he wants more. He wants a future with Johanna no matter what the consequences are. Johanna fears losing the studio, her career, and her sister. Will they risk it all just to stay together? Can love exist in an industry that sells lust?
Pop Shot is the first book in what I envision as a series following both Johanna and Vaughn throughout the course of their relationship, then following up with novels featuring Astrid and Nick, the innocent production assistant that just graduated from film school. The series will challenge views on monogamy, the adult film industry, and gender stereotypes.
The Book Doctors: Yet another story of sisters. And twins no less! Who doesn’t love twins? It might be fun to save the fact that they are in the porn industry until a little later in the pitch. So you set us up for one kind of story, then do the old switcheroo, pull the rug out from under us with some good old-fashioned American porn. Actually, we have a friend who is a female adult film director, and this is a fascinating world. And very different from what people think it is. It’s a great idea to shed light on this much misunderstood industry, to humanize the people who inhabit it. We can absolutely see a book series, and heck, we could totally see this on any of the rapidly proliferating cable TV providers who lust for saucy, eye-catching product. This pitch needs to show us more word pictures from this world. It might be cool to open with Johanna filming a scene with Astrid and Vaughn, to show us exactly how graphic this is going to be. Because the way you deal with sex and sexuality is going to absolutely determine what kind of publisher, agent, and ultimately reader is going to want to take this book to bed with them. And again, comparable titles would be very helpful in this regard. We would also like more about the nature of love and monogamy and gender stereotypes in this actual story, because we’re very interested in those topics, which you mentioned so nicely as you pitch the whole series. But let’s see more of the particulars of how those ideas manifest in this book. Because there won’t be a series, unless this book does really really really well. We feel like we don’t know these main characters well enough. We haven’t engaged emotionally with them sufficiently. That’s what will move this story beyond titillation, and into compelling literature. And, we don’t see enough action to take us through the plot, how this love triangle is going to affect the choices that these people in this strange and fascinating profession make, for better and for worse. Great setting for a love triangle, so many opportunities for penetrating insights into the human condition. Needs more emotional depth, we need to see inside these characters better, and understand how the plot is going to unfold.
S. Schilling-Kreutner
Down’s Dragon by S. Schilling-Kreutner
How do you know when somebody pushes “play” on a paused apocalypse? A dragon over the Kansas Flint Hills might be a clue…
Down’s Dragon is an 85,000 word young adult fantasy that combines a “behind the scene” supra-plot like McCaffrey’s YA Harper Hall with edgy, first-person narrative similar to Butcher’s adult series, The Dresden Files.
Friday Jones is perfectly happy kicking her Doc Martens back with a Sunny D at her sister’s bar in rural Miramar, but after she totals her Harley—thanks to a cruising dragon—a new world opens up like a Butler County sinkhole. This time, fracking isn’t to blame. Franky, the hottie motorcycle mechanic, invites her to his grandfather’s place. The surrounding communities think Salazar Ranch is a camp for wayward teens. They’re wayward, all right—way weird. The ranch fronts for a troop of juvenile wizards. Belowground hulks an ancient, magical city. Genies and fairies and dragons… oh, my. Down ain’t the Emerald City.
They await a reincarnated super-mage. The problem is, she won’t remember her previous life and they’re practically drowning in doppelgangers. Friday’s a candidate—but when the mega-villain attacks, she joins Salazar’s delinquents, instead. Let someone else save the universe. She’s too busy turning Wichita upside down chasing her shadowself, trapping dragons and rescuing “normals” from tantrum-ing genies. …Not bad for a girl from Bofooked. Eat your heart out, Dorothy.
S. Schilling-Kreutner grew up in Sedgwick County, KS, earned a BA from WSU and taught night school students to write before haring off into the world.
The Book Doctors: We find this a wonderfully written pitch. All the particular details really bring it to life. From DOC Martins to Sunny D, to the sinkhole in Butler County. The voice has a wonderfully sarcastic tone, lots of nice wordplay. For example, Wayward = way weird. And finally some great comparable titles. Everyone should pay attention to the way these are presented here. They display deep knowledge of the genre, and call out particulars in these works that will attract similar readers. We love the fact that there is a supra-plot, but we didn’t quite see how this is manifested. The pitch does get a little dodgy as we move below ground (or “belowground” as it says above), into the camp for way weird teens that’s actually a front for juvenile wizards. First of all, as soon as you have a camp for juvenile wizards, you venture into very familiar territory. So immediately we need to see what’s different about your troop of juvenile wizards than all the others we’ve seen through the years. What’s different about your genies and fairies and dragons? And we’re a little confused by the doppelgängers. Might be fun to have us see Friday come face-to-face with her doppelgänger, and later try to chase down herself. We don’t really understand what a super-mage is. Or how one is reincarnated. And what is Friday a candidate for? Even though we love how much fun you have describing it, we don’t understand what a tantrum-ing Jeannie is. We love the saucy allusions to the Wizard of Oz. But when you take us into this new world that you’re building, we need to see it more clearly, understand it more fully. And then there are the dragons. Instead of telling us about her accident on her Harley and tossing the Dragon in as a throw-away in the middle of the sentence, maybe show us that scene, with the Dragon barreling down on her as she’s whipping through Kansas on her her iron steed. Because again, we need to know how dragons fit into your version of Kansas. Cool setting, cool characters, cool voice, just needs to make clear how the magical part of the story is going to play out, and exactly what the heck it would be like to have dragons in Kansas.
Vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “Fan Favorite,” and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).
Carol Novis
Killed by a Knish by Carol Novis
What secrets lie hidden in the Jewish Community Archive of Aurora, Minnesota?
Life is ho-hum at the luxurious Minnie and Isaac Memorial Menorah Retirement Home for Ellie Shapiro, until Sam, a popular fellow resident, drops dead after eating a knish that she’s baked. Other murders follow. With her fellow sleuths, formidable octogenarian Riva, ditzy gossip Mollie and Sam’s hapless teen-age grandson Noam, Ellie sets out to find the killer.
But will the disapproval of Ellie’s hunky crush, Hal, stop the motley detection team before the killer gets her? And will the Menorah’s uptight administrator forbid Ellie from doing the baking she loves?
Over the course of the book, Ellie gains confidence, a friend, a new career and yes, the guy, as the action takes her from the Menorah kitchens to an out of control fight at a mahjongg game and a revelatory visit to gambling casino, culminating in a confrontation with a crazed murderer.
You don’t have to be Jewish to enjoy this kosher Cozy Mystery, which combines romance, suspense, humor – even recipes – in the first of a series reminiscent of Harry Kemelman’s popular Rabbi Small novels, Sharon Kahn’s “Fax me a Bagel” and Leighann Dobb’s Lexy Bake (“Wedded Blintz”).
Readers who will identify with the heroine of this rollicking, humorous, fast-action plot include seniors, foodies and devotees of Cozy Mysteries with a twist.
The Book Doctors: Oy! What a fun pitch – we plotzed – we’re verklempt. Publishers, agents and readers are looking for things that are familiar and yet unique. There is a tried-and-true audience for a great cozy mystery. An established audience. But I have yet to see anyone exploit the Kosher Cozy Mystery niche on the world wide bookshelf. And to place it in Minnesota, which we associate so heavily with those flat, WASP tight lipped Lutherans that inhabit the Cohen Brothers’ Fargo and Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegone, seems so humorously antithetical. I love the specificity of it. The mahjongg, the menorahs and the knishes. And you do make it clear that there is a madcap plot, with a little bit of romance, and a plucky heroine at the center trying to do what she loves (baking), and get the guy. And I think you have very good comparable titles. Now, how do I make it better? First of all, don’t tell me she gets the guy in the end. That’s like pitching me a mystery and saying, “And in the end, the butler did it.” Does she get the guy? The answer that question is: You have to read the book. I don’t like it when you tell me it’s rollicking, it’s humorous, you just have to show me the machinations of the plot without revealing too much. In that language is so generic, you see that in 1 million pitches, if you’re away from your hook, which is the Minnesota Jewish subculture. “Oy, you betcha!” I don’t like it when you see a crazed murderer. Again, too generic. How is your crazed murderer different than all the other crazed murderers I’ve seen in a million mysteries? I think when Sam drops dead, it’s not dramatic enough. You have a dead body. It’s your job to show us you can either make us laugh or take our breath away with that dead body. Or possibly both! And the first sentence is too long. Very good pitch, really fun story, needs a little tightening, and a little polishing.
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