Jack Kay
Don’t Leave Me Behind by Jack Kay
Even in 2027, time travel is still science fiction. But when Michelle Tracer gains access to a prototype machine, fantasy becomes a surreal reality. The college sophomore finds herself in the body of a teenage student at Amat High 16 years in her past. The machine thrusts her into the life of this stranger, leaving her stranded and alone in a place she’s only read about in history books.
There was nowhere else she would have rather gone. Michelle never saw herself as strange or abnormal, but she always kept her morbid fascination a secret. Then again, she never imagined that she would find herself face to face with the most infamous teenager of the millennia: Leon Thomas.
On May 1, 2012 Leon will commit the deadliest school shooting in American history. Michelle cannot help but gravitate towards him after having spent years studying the event that shook the country to its core. Now she sees the opportunity to witness what actually happened. Yet the closer they become the more she sees who he really is, causing her to question her own role in shooting that she is convinced must take place. Michelle may have a strong influence on Leon, but what she doesn’t expect is the impact he will have on her; leaving her conflicted whether her presence there is saving lives, or dooming them.
Arielle & David: There have been so many time travel stories, so you are working in an area that has been well trodden. But you have used time travel in a new and interesting way to address a hot button topic that’s on everyone’s mind these days: school shootings. And you’ve set up a fascinating dynamic in which our heroine may be actually able to stop a bunch of kids from getting killed. Fascinating. It’s also a well constructed pitch, which leads me to believe that you can put together a well constructed novel. What can improved? We don’t really see what our heroine’s driving force is, what she desperately wants, and what’s stopping her from getting it. You definitely could use some comparable titles. Is this a YA or adult book? Publishing is absolutely assessed with categorization. Readers, agents and editors will be different if this book is YA than if it is trying to reach an adult audience. Of course, everyone wants a crossover book, but you have to start in the sweet spot, wherever that is. Also, I’d like to know more about who Leon is, and why Michelle finds herself influenced by him. What exactly is her morbid fascination? That is a little unclear right now. And why isn’t more of this story focused on her trying to stop Leon from killing a bunch of kids?
Melinda Mars
March 6, 2013 @ 8:20 am
Sounds like a great idea
Rase McCray
March 6, 2013 @ 7:21 pm
It’s like 12 Monkeys meets Jim Shepard’s Project X (or perhaps Vernon God Little).
I’ve always enjoyed the time travel genre, and I like that you’ve given us a female protagonist, which to my mind is rare in the genre. But is it time travel? She seems to be inhabiting someone else’s body, though maybe I’m reading too much into it given the first sentence. I’m sure it makes sense in the novel proper, but I wonder if it’s better to skip over the details in the pitch? “Spring, 2027: When one of her College Physics II experiments goes wrong, Michelle Tracer is finds herself thrust 16 years into the past, stranded in the body of a student at Amat High School–a place she’s only read about in history books.” My example is perhaps a little forced, but hopefully it can inspire you to write something much better. 🙂
If she really loves this era, as you say, then I think you can immediately establish the “driving force” Arielle and David are looking for. Perhaps just talk about her reaction to her circumstances? I imagine that as soon as she realizes where she is, she seeks out Leon Thomas. She wants to meet him, wants to study him. (“Wants” is a positive, active verb in this example, so I feel it’s better than “cannot help” which emphasizes the negative, passive sense.) And therefore, is she actually convinced the shooting has to take place? How does she know that she’s actually travelled back in time (i.e. what makes her sure it’s not a dream or a simulation)? I think some part of her would want to stop it, and maybe some darker part of her, especially because she’s such a “fan,” would simply want to watch it. Does she egg him on?
On a completely different note, I wonder if the first sentence of your third paragraph should actually be the first sentence–who’s to say that your pitch has to be linear? “On May 1, 2012, Leon Thomas will commit the deadliest school shooting in American history. Now, through a failed college science experiment that’s sent her back in time, Michelle Tracer will be there to witness it.” My example obviously was thrown quickly together, but I like how clear and powerful that sentence is, and it might be effective right in the reader’s face.
This is a strong offering and I really hope to hear more about it in the future–best wishes, and I hope it gets published soon!
Arya's Sapphire
March 9, 2013 @ 6:35 am
Ooh, you have peeked my interest with this Jennie. If I saw this in a store, there’s a chance I just might pick it up! I usually do not care for time travel stories.
Mencara
April 26, 2013 @ 6:27 am
@Rase McCray
You had the same thought I did. The most powerful sentence was the first one about Leon. I think you were spot on. It should begin with that sentence because that is the point where I became interested.
“On May 1, 2012, Leon Thomas will commit the deadliest school shooting in American history. Now, through a failed college science experiment that’s sent her back in time, Michelle Tracer will be there to witness it.”
That is intense and intriguing!