Master of the Universe
by L. P. Forsyth.
“He calls himself Master of the Universe. It sounds conceited; that’s why most people ignore him when he says it. The only thing is; it’s not too far from the truth.”
Master of the Universe is a 64,000 word Science Fiction novel that keeps readers counting the pages in the next chapter to see if they have time for just one more. Sixteen-S7-H1 has been Sylah Lessieg’s name for the past five years. Content with her life and work as an ore miner on the icy world of Barren, she doesn’t even care to remember her past. When she finds herself hanging by a broken wrist two hundred feet above the mine floor, she realizes that she needs to figure out who she was and why she is there, or she may end up buried in a cold, rocky grave. An enemy from her forgotten past wants her dead, and a friend from her present is willing to kill her in exchange for his freedom. Barely escaping alive, Sylah gets away from the mines and off the planet Barren, only to be plunged into another dangerous game: taking down the Master of the Universe.
Arielle: This pitch really picks up for me at: “When she finds herself hanging by a broken wrist…” I’d start there. Talk about leaving us hanging! Once you get to the Master of the Universe, we need to understand who/what this is. That’s where the rest of your words should be spent. NOTE: Never say “fiction novel”. That is redundant. This is a work of science fiction.
David: I like how this story takes a character who thinks that they are content in their sad little life, and makes her confront something dark and scary from their past. There’s a great line from the movie Magnolia that goes something like this: We may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us. And I like the main character. The problem is, I don’t quite love her yet. Again, I think an economical yet excellent physical descriptor of her would help. And I like the world you create, but I want more. Just to say it’s an icy world doesn’t do it for me. Give me a couple more word pictures. You shouldn’t tell me it’s a 64,000 words so early in the pitch. Save it for the very end. In fact, I don’t really even need to know how long it is. You can take that out. And when you start with the Masters of the Universe quote, I think your story is going to be about that character. So it’s a little misleading. The phrase itself, Master of the Universe, seems like it’s been done many many times before. I don’t like the way it ends, “plunged into another dangerous game”. Again, I feel like I’ve read that phrase many times before. I want action, I want images, I want my heart to be palpitating at the end of this pitch.