Outback Wrangler by Caleb Ajinomoh
How does the gruesome murder of a dojo master in Wyoming trigger off damning consequences for an international criminal organization headquartered in Paris, a revenge-obsessed Interpol agent, an Asian-American media mogul and throws up an unlikely romance between a bisexual journalist and a moody femme fatale?
Renee Binagli is exceptional at her job: getting paid handsomely to terminate lives. But no one prepared her for meeting the unlikeliest of client/victims: her shadow employer, her supposedly dead father, the one man she would kill a thousand times for free. But she has to deal with feelings for Brian Calum-Wright, a cross-border blackmail connoisseur/journalist with a similar taste for men and women who loses his mind and goes on a tragic reconnecting mission, trying to find his ex-boyfriend slaughtered by, Ji, CEO of a global media brand who’s after an oil company but he needs evidence in possession of a wanted man to sink her present owners. His life is made more difficult by Harold, who wants nothing of the spoils of Interpol politicking back in Paris, but he’ll gleefully use his credentials to hunt down the man who set his brother’s family on fire years ago. Ji holds the answers to many of his questions.
They’re thrown on the same bus. Who’s driving? Where are they headed?
Donahue has changed names and appearance so many times he knows his invincibility cloak is fitted. They’re coming for him. But they have a bigger problem: getting out of each other’s way.
The Book Doctors: Wonderful idea, with lots to love: a hired killer with daddy issues, international intrigue, CEO of a global media brand, revenge, Paris, a bisexual journalist, a beautiful moody dangerous female. And a great voice: “his invincibility cloak is fitted.” Unfortunately, the pitch is mired in cliché. Gruesome murder, damning consequences, international criminal organization. Moody femme fatale. Those are all words we’ve heard and things we’ve seen hundreds of times. We would skip that whole first paragraph except for the dojo master in Wyoming. We would open the pitch with a scene showing the Wyoming dojo master being murdered. Give us evidence that you can create a scene which is steeped in the tradition of gruesome murders, but is unique and fresh and thoroughly awesome. We like the initial setup of the female hired killer having to whack her own supposedly dead father–that’s tight and interesting. We find ourselves wanting to see that come to life a little more. But then you take us right into this gigantically huge, long sentence, with too many characters, way too much information and we get completely lost. It’s not your job in a pitch to tell the whole story. It’s your job to make the reader desperately want to read your book. As in several of these pitches, we don’t understand here who is the hero, we haven’t emotionally engaged with someone we’re rooting for. We don’t understand who is the villain, who we love to hate. And we don’t understand enough of the action or how the plot escalates into a fiery climax that is going to be unexpected yet satisfying. We also don’t get any comparable titles. Can’t stress those darn things enough, especially when you’re writing genre fiction. In fact we don’t get your title either. Fascinating premise, too many characters, not enough plot, intriguing but confusing.
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